New Year, Same You.
A New Year is a new beginning and often brings to mind changes we would like to make. These often fall in areas of life that are important and interconnected—physical and mental wellness, financial responsibility, spirituality, relationships, career, and social engagement.
The phrase “New Year, New You!” is heard a lot as the calendars change, but a more compassionate and realistic way to welcome 2023 is by embracing the phrase “New Year, Same You.”
We are always adapting and adjusting to our circumstances. Wherever we go, there we are—we take ourselves with us into every adventure, interaction, effort, and opportunity we experience. Our qualities, values, strengths, interests, limitations, and habits are with us in new adventures and in situations that are well known…that’s what got us to this moment, and we can’t leave all that behind!
When thinking about changes for the New Year—fresh starts, renewed commitments, new opportunities—it’s helpful to start where you are. Pausing, reflecting, and remembering that you have some habits that sustain you already. You can celebrate and strengthen what is working well, reflect and contemplate changes that would make life better, and develop intentions and plans to achieve your goals.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy
Accepting ourselves as we are doesn’t impede growth or change, it simply means acknowledging that, “for right now, here’s how it is.”
It’s also the first step in Mindful Self-Compassion which is a powerful strategy, developed by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer (self-compassion.org), that has been shown to support achievement of goals and strengthen personal accountability.
Mindful Self-Compassion involves three components similar to the “curious paradox,” that can open the door to change.
- Mindfulness—recognizing/accepting what is happening, without trying to fix it right now (the paradox that Rogers describes)
- Common Humanity—I’m not alone, all humans are imperfect, face challenges, make mistakes, and suffer, I’m just experiencing a part of life that others have experienced, too
- Kindness—see the good in yourself, be your own friend, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a dear friend who is feeling what you feel. What would you want your dear friend to feel and think about this?
There’s quite a bit of science around how best to develop and achieve goals. Experts recommend taking a “slow and steady” approach, making small, incremental changes towards a goal and choosing SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time sensitive) goals and steps. Celebrating milestones and achievements is really important and can help maintain motivation through the challenging moments. Letting others know about your goals and achievements is also helpful in maintaining motivation. Link here to read our previous article that focuses further on setting goals: Hopes and Goals for the New Year.
Each step/goal is a step on the lifelong journey of being ourselves. On the journey, moments of challenge, stagnation, and even setbacks are typical. Some steps are easier than others, sometimes we need to rest, sometimes we go backwards…growth is often a cycle of expansion and then a little contraction, over and over. This can feel defeating, but it’s important to remember that the cycle is not an indication of failure or a reason to stop growing, it’s just part of the journey.
You can try Mindful Self-Compassion right now with this exercise adapted from Kristin Neff. Think of a situation in your life that is difficult or that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.
Now, say to yourself:
- This is a moment of suffering
That’s mindfulness. It might sound like:
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- This hurts. Ouch. This is so painful.
- This is awful. So unfair.
- This is stress.
2. Suffering is a part of life
That’s common humanity. You can say:
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- Other people feel this way, other folks have been hurt this way, have had this, too.
- I’m not alone. Others/Anyone would be hurt/sad/upset/embarrassed in this moment.
- We all struggle sometimes.
- No one can be perfect.
3. May I be kind to myself.
Kindness—Say to yourself words you would say to a dear friend who is experiencing the same situation you are experiencing. It might sound like:
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- It’s ok, you can do this, you can find your way through this.
- You’re still you, you are loved and accepted.
- You don’t need to be perfect, you are a work in progress and I see your beautiful, courageous work.
This practice can be used any time to provide perspective on challenges, to embrace the paradox of acceptance and change, or to help you achieve your goals.
Remember, you can make great progress on new goals by starting where you are, strengthening and celebrating what’s working, and being compassionately honest about what’s challenging.
