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Friendship is as Important as Diet and Exercise

"It's time to bring friendship to the foreground. To see it for what it is. It actually is a matter of life and death. It is carried in our DNA, in how we're wired. Social bonds have the power to shape the trajectories of our lives. And that means friendship is not a choice or a luxury: it's a necessity that is critical to our ability to succeed and thrive."
Lydia Denworth Author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life's Fundamental Bond

A recent FAN presentation by Lydia Denworth, author of Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, discussed an important and surprising public health topic: FRIENDSHIP.

As we engage in Holiday traditions and gatherings, we are hopefully experiencing the benefits of added opportunities for social connection. We know that humans are social animals, that we enjoy being with friends, but the benefits go deeper than that.

Although friendship is not typically seen as part of our physical health, Denworth explained that many studies have shown a direct link between the absence of friendship (social isolation, loneliness, and/or living alone) and illnesses that lead to early death.
 
One theory about why being socially connected helps to protect people from early death focuses on social support—rides to a doctor’s appointment, meals when someone has a new baby, shoveling the walk for someone who is sick, etc. Having support in times of struggle does make a difference, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. The benefits of close relationships (longevity and wellness) are evident even in animal studies. In fact, Denworth stated that, “friendship is as important as diet and exercise” in maintaining our health. 
 
Denworth shared that “friendship is a lifelong endeavor,” a set of learnable skills, and a muscle that needs to be worked. She described characteristics of friendships found across age groups and cultures.
 
They include:
  • Spending enjoyable time together (play)
  • Sharing and helping
  • Being kind, loyal, and trustworthy 
She said that it’s not necessary to “turn into an extrovert,” and that all people have the capacity for friendship. Quality matters more than quantity. Even one good friend improves health outcomes.
 
The Holiday Season is a good time to engage in social connection. 
 
But it can also be a difficult time when many people feel pressure to be positive, generous, witty, and try to hide away their struggles. Our best selves are always attached to our whole self, and the best relationships have room for the whole range of emotions and experiences.
 
We can use our friendship enhancing tools—spending time together, helping others with tasks or meals, and having conversations about what’s on our minds and in our hearts—to support ourselves and others, and also have some fun while we’re at it. 
 
When you have an opportunity to connect…take it!

It may come in mundane moments from a neighbor or family member asking about your day, an invitation to go ice skating, or advice on a project. Couples’ therapist, John Gottman, describes these moments as “bids for connection” and he recommends “turning towards” these bids as a way to encourage emotional connection.

It might take some practice to better see these requests as opportunities and think about responding differently to deepen your relationships. Try to notice people reaching out, asking you to:

  • Show interest in their accomplishments
  • Share stories of your day/your life with them
  • Be affectionate with them
  • Join them in an adventure
  • Join them in learning something new
  • Work on a project with them
  • Pay attention to what they are saying
  • Respond to a joke
  • Help them relax / have fun

You can also reach out to people with these same “bids.” It’s likely someone is willing to join, to help, to pay attention or have fun with you.

Give yourself permission to prioritize friendship and relationships the way you would any activity scientifically proven to enhance your wellbeing.

It’s ok if it is not all good cheer when we connect. We all know that sadness, confusion, frustration, and limitations are all part of life – but it’s not usually what comes up in casual conversations. It can seem like a bad idea to bring up unpleasant events, like remembering an anniversary of a death or asking how someone is doing since their business closed, but the person who experienced the event is very aware that it happened. They will likely appreciate your genuine concern and remembering. 
 
When responding to struggle, be kind and compassionate and listen. While we often associate being “helpful” with solving, fixing, or making it better – some of life’s challenges do not have clear, accessible, solutions. So, when we hear struggles, we can be left with the discomfort of not knowing what to say, how to approach the struggles, or how to avoid making things worse for ourselves or the other person…and that helplessness feels awful.

But, if the goal is to be compassionate rather than “fix” something, we are not helpless. Surprisingly, simply turning towards the difficulty, acknowledging the situation and letting the person know that you see their struggle and you care, can be very powerful. This is often referred to as “Name it to Tame it” among clinicians. Naming that you see their struggle and being kind and compassionate can help remind a struggling person that they’re not alone. It is powerful to know that while feelings may be painful, they are not dangerous, and that the bonds of connection hold even when things get tough.

Some responses to try when a friend is facing struggle can include:

  • “I don’t have a solution, but I care…I’m here for you.”
  • “Would you like to take a walk? We don’t have to talk; I can just be with you.”
  • Using “both…and” “Sometimes it’s both exciting to be hosting and it’s also stressful, it makes sense that you are irritable. You have a lot going on.”
  • “This is really hard…it’s ok…sometimes I feel that way, too.”
  • Plan some time together one-on-one or after the holidays. Big groups and festive occasions may be overwhelming for folks. A quiet setting might be preferred for deeper conversations.

There are many ways to be a good friend, and the benefits of having close relationships are clear. Turning towards bids for connection and support, practicing compassion and kindness, making time for friendships —these are all efforts that give to others and make a positive difference in our community. Best of all they offer huge benefits for both the giver and the receiver!

>>Send a link to this blog (Read this my Friend!)  to a friend to let them know that your time spent with them is as important as a healthy diet and regular exercise!