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Celebrating with Neuro-Divergent Friends and Family During the Holidays.

Enjoying the holidays as a neurodivergent person and/or with neurodivergent friends and family members brings unique challenges and opportunities. 
 
Neurodiversity is a term that refers to differences in our brains that create a wide range of ways we think, behave, and interact with each other. It includes the differences one might experience with autism, ADHD, Tourettes Syndrome, Down Syndrome or another of the many variations among us.
 
When planning for gatherings with both neurotypical and neurodiverse people, it is helpful to acknowledge the differences, create welcoming spaces, and promote belonging. This article offers ways to support your friends and family members, as well as yourself as you navigate the demands of the season.
Planning and preparing…
In planning for holiday fun, acknowledging differences can help avoid misunderstanding and disappointment. For example, the balance between daily routines and special occasions may feel different from person to person, as not everyone has the same enthusiasm for disruption of the daily routines. Although there is no need to be an expert on neurodiversity, it is often helpful to think through the event/plans from the perspective of people attending—what might help in terms of setting, length of time, and dates? If you would like more information to better understand someone else’s perspective, there are a number of resources (listed below) that can help. Gathering information and asking “How can I help? What do you need?” can be an important part of the preparation. 
 
Creating spaces that are inviting and safe…
 Having a space where someone could rest or regroup if overstimulated, tired, or feeling uncomfortable is often helpful. This could be a quiet room, a section of a room with soft toys or a comfortable chair, a place outside (if it’s a warm enough day), or even permission to go sit in the car without judgment. Sometimes people need short breaks from the activity of a gathering.
 
Having a space for play where there aren’t a lot of fragile things is also helpful. Placing a large towel or sheet on the floor (which can be shaken outside and then washed) to encourage crafts and creativity is helpful for kids of all ages. Having toys with sensory elements—play doh, soft blankets or towels, breakable dry spaghetti, bubble wrap—can also offer an invitation to engage and enjoy.
 
Food and drinks may be part of the event and having options that are enjoyable for everyone (check dietary restrictions, allergies, and preferences ahead of time) and enough space for people to sit together and relax in conversation sends a strong message of inclusion. It may be helpful to have visual cues for navigation (where things are located), timing (when things are happening) and menu (what’s being served). 
 
Belonging…
As much as possible, include everyone in conversation and activities, if willing. Many people like being included in tasks, even if it’s something small like setting the table, delivering a message (can you go tell Grandpa that we’re ready for dinner?), hanging coats, or sorting napkins. For many people, long periods of interpersonal connection can be exhausting and overstimulating, so taking breaks (walks, errands, or going to a quiet room) helps. For some families staying through the entire event is not possible. Making room for people to go at their own pace, and showing appreciation for the time they can offer, is one way to make people feel included and valued.
 
Providing support…
The continuous cycle of monitoring, reminding, intervening, and redirecting a child with special needs can be pretty exhausting. Offering parents help, support, and kindness is always a good idea. Ask “how can I help?” and look for ways to be of service. It will likely be very appreciated.
 
Another way to provide support is to offer the MGI (Most Generous Interpretation) to others. Brain differences involved in neurodiversity affect many aspects of life. Symptoms and differences may include “typically expected” behaviors, but they also may not. When surprised by the unexpected, be ready to respond with understanding and grace. Remind yourself (and/or others) that the differences are neurological, not willful or malicious. Offering the MGI helps the neurodiverse person feel understood and welcomed. It also helps neurotypical guests to avoid forming negative judgments and taking the behavior personally. 
 
Advocating for yourself and your family…
As often as possible, ask for what you need. Use the “Name it to Tame it” strategy — here’s the situation, here’s what helps, here’s the request. For example, “My daughter is struggling with being around large groups of people, so we would like to come for the last hour of the event.” Simply sharing that your son is using noise cancelling headphones to assist with his regulation can help others avoid feeling rejected.  
 
Setting everyone up for success…
Holidays are a wonderful time to celebrate connections. Planning and preparing to make everyone feel included and welcome can make a big difference in the enjoyment of gatherings. Offering support and the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) to others will be deeply appreciated and convey the message that we all belong.
 
Additional resources to learn more: