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“I miss you” may be a frequent thought during the holidays—I miss you, Grandpa…I miss you, Mom…I miss you, Sweetheart. The knowing looks, the inside jokes and mundane conversations—what we wouldn’t give for one more day, one more holiday celebration with our loved one right by our side! Whether your grief is a fresh, raw wound, an older ache, or a healed scar, the holidays can be difficult to navigate. Continue reading for strategies one can use if grieving or trying to help someone who is grieving.

 

Remember that loss and change are part of life. It’s expected and inevitable. Reflect on your holiday plans and your own experiences of grief and loss and consider the following:

People describe grief as a “force of nature” like a wave, or the ocean—some days calm and other days like a storm that can swallow you whole. Grief follows no rules, it does not have a schedule, and it affects us all differently. It encompasses a wide range of feelings. Sadness is the most obvious, but may also involve worry, anger, fear, frustration, cynicism, disappointment, etc. Sometimes, the feelings and reactions are surprising – we may feel ambivalent, numb, or unsure. It helps when we notice the thoughts and feelings and, as much as possible, allow space for feeling and expressing them.

 

Grief is a reaction to a wide range of losses. Not only the person themselves, but the loss of relationship-repair opportunities, including understanding and healing old wounds. We mourn the hopes we had for the future, and grieve the moments of disconnection and conflict in the past.

 

The intensity and frequency of grief will change over time. You may notice a pattern to the feelings. Sadness and loneliness are often pushed away during busy moments, but return when we slow down or are still, especially around bedtime. Irritation and anger can flare as we experience daily hassles, perhaps functioning as a shield against dissolving into tears or expressing our awareness of the fragility of life and the true depths of our sadness to other people. Cynicism can raise its head as we think about reaching out for help. Grieving is an active process—it requires time, energy and attention. There are few places to talk honestly about loss in our culture. Most of us are not used to thinking about death, grief, and mortality with ease and grace, so it can be hard to be honest with people about the intensity, and the constant awareness of an absence in one’s life.

 

Though the feelings, reactions, and thoughts about grief are painful, they are not dangerous. Our body’s primary response to pain and distress is to activate the flight/fight/freeze part of our nervous system. This response is helpful when we are in danger, but it is not helpful when the pain and distress comes from the loss of a person in our life – something that cannot be fought or fled.

 

When overwhelmed, we can regulate the nervous system response by breathing slowly and increasing our present moment awareness. What sounds do you hear? What do you see? How does the floor feel at your feet? What does the texture of your clothes feel like? When we engage in present moment awareness, it helps us remember that we are not in danger. Doing things to turn off the fight/flight/freeze response will create room to experience the thoughts and feelings, to share our experience with others, and to think of things that help us to care for ourselves.

 

Remembering to be gentle with ourselves and care for ourselves is very helpful. A day when grief feels like a storm in the ocean is not a normal day! So, “normal” tasks and daily expectations may need to be set aside for a time when grief feels more like a peacefully passing wave. Being gentle in your words to yourself, talking internally as you would to a dear friend, or perhaps in the voice of the person you are missing can help remind you that you are doing what you can, you need care and rest, and that you are enough. 

We often feel helpless and uncomfortable when faced with supporting someone else who is grieving. Out of good intentions and often our own discomfort, we try to help find the silver lining, the meaning, or the “bright side” and communicate this to them. There are no magic words to say. It’s not necessary and it’s usually not helpful to try to say something that makes someone feel “better.” It’s usually much more helpful to allow the person to assess the damage from their own perspective, to acknowledge that it’s really awful, and that it’s not “okay.”

 

While we often want to do something, grief is not really about doing, it’s often about being. Being truly present with someone as they grieve. Validating someone’s feelings, responding with expressions of compassion (this is really hard…you’re not alone…it’s okay…I feel that as well), spending time together, addressing their basic needs (Have you eaten today? Can I bring you some water? Are you sleeping okay?) can all be really helpful. Expressing care and willingness to help (I don’t know what to say, just know I care…I am so sorry for your loss…I’m here for you, I’m just a phone call away) can provide a lot of comfort. Sometimes people will want to engage, sometimes they will not, and having compassion for this inconsistency also really helps.

Whether you are grieving or helping someone who is grieving, talking about the experience of grief can help. Talking about the person who is gone can also help. Telling stories, sharing memories, and talking about how you see the person’s legacy in yourself and in others can be wonderfully healing. Even when the stories and memories are not positive, or the legacy is about learning what not to do in life, it is helpful to talk about the experience of loss. Talking about the loss helps to make sense of our reactions and our feelings.

 

At your holiday gathering (or any opportune time) you can talk about what you remember, what you admired, what you learned from the person, what you appreciated, what you found humorous…or you can ask others to share stories and memories. Here are some phrases you can use or modify to get the memories flowing.