The holiday season is such an exciting, active time, but it can also be very busy and stressful.
There are many wonderful aspects of this season that come to mind: parties, decorations, visits from family members near and far, gift giving, traditions, social events, special foods and songs, etc. Lots of hopes and expectations go with this season. For many of us the increased excitement is fun and an opportunity to connect with others around themes of gratitude, celebration, and “goodwill to all.”
These same opportunities to express appreciation for each other and to embody the spirit of the season can also feel a bit overwhelming. Those who already have a tendency to be people pleasers — someone who automatically says “yes,” volunteers, and is volunteered often — can find this time of year particularly difficult.
When people pleasing results in ignoring one’s own needs, feelings of exhaustion and depletion often follow. It can lead to painful emotional consequences including resentment, anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment. In the end you may be too exhausted and irritable to be able to enjoy the experiences of the holidays you worked so hard to create or to gracefully receive appreciation for your efforts.
If you find yourself feeling the pressure to make the holidays magical for everyone and are feeling overcommitted and stressed, try using the following strategy: Pause, Reflect, and Intend. Pause and reflect on why you are pulled to say “yes” to whatever is being asked of you, and to know that it is okay to make a different decision – intentionally.
Helping, supporting, and pleasing others is a beautiful gift we can give, but it works best when thoughtfully balanced with caring for ourselves.
Therefore, before taking on the next new “thing,” pause, take a breath, reflect, and consider:
- Do I have the capacity to engage right now? Will this compromise my wellbeing or ability to experience the joy of the season?
- What is motivating me to take this on? Is it a knee-jerk response? What am I really feeling? Is there any reluctance, sense of overwhelm, or resentment bubbling up?
- Am I excited about the task or the opportunity? Does it require special skills that I have, or that I am known for? Is it my role (as a leader, a parent, a host, an eager employee, a guest, etc.) in the situation that motivates me? Is this opportunity/task something I enjoy?
- Are there other ways to contribute?Can I share the task with someone? Is there someone who wants to learn how to do the things I can do?
When requests are made, try saying “I’ll get back to you” instead of immediately saying “yes.” This can give you time to think through the questions above and to weigh the pros and cons of agreeing to the request instead of responding based on the immediate emotional pull or the habit of saying “yes.”
If “No” is the right answer (at least right now)…
After considering the request, if you decide you are not able to say “yes,” seek to respond thoughtfully and intentionally. You can respond with a gentle “no” that acknowledges the need for help and your wish to be of service. An example might sound like, “I can see how you could use some help – it’s a big, time-consuming project. I wish I could, but unfortunately, I have plans and I can’t help.”
It’s okay to say “No”
It’s really healthy to remember that sometimes the “people” we need to please is ourselves.
If you say “Yes”…
As you probably already have a lot on your plate, and have now decided to add more, consider what can come off of that plate. Think about proactively making changes — are there…
- tasks others could do for you?
- ways to combine service and fun (volunteering at a pantry and then sharing a walk or a meal with the other volunteers)?
- ways to shift the sequence of your work (decorating for the office party and also moving the deadline of your report to a later date)?
Holidays can be a difficult time with the weight of Hallmark-driven expectations, especially for those with people-pleasing tendencies. If you know this about yourself, consider pausing, reflecting, and intending to factor your needs into the equation this holiday season.
All of us at Family Service Center wish you an emotionally healthy holiday season. If you need support, our team of experts are here to help.
