A recent FAN presentation by Lisa Damour, PhD, author of “The emotional lives of teenagers: Raising connected, capable and compassionate adolescents” provided reassurance for parents and strategies to consider when supporting adolescents. You can see the entire recorded presentation in the link below or here: FAN Presentation Video: Lisa Damour, PhD (familyactionnetwork.net)
Dr. Damour reflected on pop culture’s shift away from the true meaning of mental health, reminding us that mental health is not about being happy all of the time. Instead, mental wellness involves having and managing feelings that fit the context that we are in. For example, it is healthy to feel sad when someone learns about the death of a loved one; or scared when faced with significant life challenges–and crying when sad or taking deep breaths and practicing positive self-talk when we are anxious are healthy ways of coping with feelings. Though it’s natural to want to be happy and peaceful all the time, life offers a range of experiences and true mental health is about feeling our feelings and coping with the circumstances of our lives.
Is this Normal? Should I be concerned?
Parenting adolescents can be confusing—their developmentally appropriate behavior includes mood swings, intense emotional expressions, and a preference for advice from peers rather than wise adults. Parents often ask themselves “Is this problematic behavior? Should I be concerned about this?” Often, the answer is no, this is part of the developmental process. Dr. Damour encourages parents to be concerned when:
- Their adolescent’s mood swings significantly, and it stays there for a prolonged period of time. Mood variability is typical. Big swings that remain stuck are not – and can be problematic.
- The teenager’s mood is “running the show” – if their mood is getting in the way of their lives and preventing them from functioning. For example, if they are refusing to attend school
- The teenager engages in harmful coping – using alcohol or drugs to manage their feelings, engaging in high risk behavior to manage their feelings, self-harm behavior, etc.
Experiencing some distress is good for development!
While it is really, really difficult to watch our children in distress, there are many really good reasons for Dr. Damour to encourage parents to “be okay with it.”
- Experiencing distress is inevitable;
- Emotions are fundamental information that helps us to understand what’s up and it is helpful for adolescents to have opportunities to tune into their emotions to help guide their responses;
- Adolescents experience a ton of growth and maturation when they find their way through distress;
- Our ability to tolerate our adolescent’s distress improves their ability to tolerate distress.
Dr. Damour referred to distress tolerance as everyone’s “path to freedom” and highlighted that it gives our adolescents the confidence to try new things and take calculated risks (go to college, move to another city, apply for a job they are unsure of, etc) and know that they will figure it out, they will find their way through.
Healthy coping
Healthy Coping can involve managing feelings by expressing them and/or bringing them back under control by “taming” them. Research and every day experience informs us that the mere act of expressing our emotions gets us some relief from distress.
That can mean:
- Talking about feelings, emoting (crying, laughing, etc.)
- Discharging them in non-verbal, physical ways (e.g., exercising, drawing, playing instruments)
- Managing emotions may involve seeking out soothing comforts (e.g., taking a long bath, snuggling with a favorite blanket, wearing fuzzy socks, etc.)
- Engaging in distraction techniques, and/or taking deep breaths
Parents CAN help
A primary role of parents is to be a steady presence supporting their adolescent’s healthy coping. It is common for adolescents to only communicate minimally with their parents (and to be selective about the terms under which they communicate). Some adolescents will only communicate at bedtime when external influences quiet down and their internal thoughts become more active. Others may communicate as a passenger in the car – when parents eyes are required to be on the road.
Parents are encouraged to keep the communication door open and, as much as possible, to be ready for the opportunities to talk. During these times, parents can support their adolescent’s active emotional expression by offering empathy and validating their experiences – “Oh man, that seems really tough. I can see why you are so disappointed.” This communicates that you are present, you see them, and you understand them. It also conveys that emotional expression is part of the process, expected and welcome. It is not negatively judgmental, nor are you disagreeing with them. This usually leads to additional communication and likely keeps the communication door open.
Parents can also play a role in supporting coping strategies to tame big emotions. When you see your adolescent is struggling with big feelings, you can offer support by helping them to identify and access things that comfort, calm, and soothe them. Once they are more calm, parents can offer help to collaboratively problem-solve the distressing situation. Parents have wisdom and the life lesson of perspective. Dr. Damour encouraged parents to help their adolescents think of the bigger picture, perhaps saying, “I get that you are really upset tonight. How do you think you will feel about this in 2 weeks?” or “What would you tell a friend in these circumstances?”
In a nutshell, Dr. Damour reminds parents that while it is impossible for us to stop our children from feeling distress, we don’t need to make it go away too soon. She encourages us to use every opportunity to support the true meaning of mental health—having feelings that fit the context and managing them in a healthy way. Helping our children to develop strategies to express and tame their big feelings sets them up for long-term success. These are the skills that provide their “path to freedom.”
