What Makes a Life Good?
Big questions about what factors contribute to a happy, fulfilling life were discussed at a recent FAN presentation discussing the book The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schultz, PhD.
Below are some highlights of the conversation between, Dr. Waldinger, author, and Dr. Arthur Brooks, interviewer. They focused on a key research finding — that cultivating warm, connected relationships is one of the primary ways to increase longevity and maintain health.
You can see the entire recorded presentation below or at the (familyactionnetwork.net).
“And an investment in our social fitness isn’t only an investment in our lives as they are now. It is an investment that will affect everything about how we live in the future.”
~Waldinger & Schultz, p.116
Happiness is NOT a Destination…
“How do you move further along on your own path toward a good life? First, by recognizing that the good life is not a destination. It is the path itself, and the people who are walking it with you.” (Waldinger & Schultz, p.281)
As discussed in previous FSC articles, a helpful way to develop and strengthen relationships is to notice and embrace opportunities for connection (link here to view). There’s no magic number of close relationships, but we each need at least one person to whom we can turn to for support.
“As you walk, second by second you can decide to whom and to what you give your attention. Week by week you can prioritize your relationships and choose to be with the people who matter. Year by year you can find purpose and meaning through the lives that you enrich and the relationships that you cultivate.” (Waldinger & Schultz, p.281)
To strengthen, cultivate, and maintain relationships, Waldinger and Brooks recommended making small changes—reach out to friends and family members more frequently, talk to co-workers or even strangers, be curious about what others are experiencing, and find opportunities to be generous with your time and attention.
Brooks suggested sending a message (voice, email, or text) to 2 people each day, one saying,
“I’m thinking about you…hoping you are well /sending you kind thoughts”
and one saying,
“I saw this thing you did /I remember this moment we shared…and I appreciate you.”
Many of the suggested strategies reflect well known evidence-based practices that FSC therapists use when working with clients each day to alleviate stress, anxiety, and depression.
Dr. Waldinger highlighted the need to:
- tolerate awkwardness;
- go against our natural tendency to be self-absorbed; and,
- be willing to give to others what we would like to receive ourselves.
Therapists work with clients to help them:
- turn towards distress;
- compassionately be present to what’s happening around us;
- and make a meaningful contribution to the welfare of others.
Further parallels with strategies for mental wellbeing included advice to:
- “never worry alone—get help, talk to someone;”
- use technology to engage in relationships rather than passively consume social media; and
to seek out support for engaging with life.
The book closes with a powerful suggestion to get each of us started toward more meaningful connections…
“Think about someone, just one person, who is important to you…
- Think about where they stand in their lives. What are they struggling with?
- Think about what they mean to you. What have they done for you in your life?
- Where would you be without them? Who would you be?
- Now think about what you would thank them for, if you thought you would never see them again.
And at this moment—right now—turn to them. Call them. Tell them.” (Waldinger & Schultz, p.281)
